When God Says "Wait"

The month of November is somewhat significant to me for a few reasons, the first being that it is the month of my birthday and I happen to very much enjoy receiving birthday gifts!  The second reason is that in the month of November in the year 2006, Eric Reinhold began his serious pursuit of making me his girlfriend and eventually his wife.  It’s hard to believe that was 5 years ago!  The most recent reason is that last year in November, Eric and I started the journey of trying to expand our family.  At that time we had been married for almost 2 ½ years and it seemed like a good time to try for a baby.  “Trying” did not mean getting rid of the birth control and waiting to see what happened.  “Trying” meant charting my temperature and using what we know about the women’s body when she ovulates to time everything in order to achieve pregnancy.  I had a friend here in Tucson who read the same book I did and she was pregnant within two months of intentionally timing everything.  My thoughts were along the lines of “Sweet, I’ll either be pregnant for my birthday or for Christmas and we can surprise everyone over the holidays.” 2011 was going to be the year of having our first baby.

           

We are now rapidly approaching the end of 2011 and Eric and I have not yet successfully conceived.  It has been a year and approximately 14 cycles of trying.  God, in His wisdom, has allowed us to wait and not have what we want right away.  The question of the season has become “How are you guys doing with not getting pregnant?”  The answer literally depends on which day of the month it is but God has graciously taught me a few things along the way.  My hope is that bringing you into this journey will bless and encourage you with the truth that not only is God sovereign even over the womb, but God is loving and good in bringing us this trial at this time in our lives. 

           

 Like I said, how I am doing with this waiting process depends on what time of the month it is.  When we are getting ready to try again, I get excited with anticipation that this will be the month.  As I approach the time when I will get my period, I am usually carefully tuned in to everything going on with my body to find any signs that I might actually miss my period and get to take a pregnancy test.  When it becomes more and more clear that I will probably get my period, my wonderful husband is usually mopping up all the tears that I start shedding and I would rather sleep than face another day of not getting what I’m trying so hard to get. 

           

 The first thing God has been teaching me through this past year is the lesson of contentment.  He lovingly reminded me that I have so much to be thankful for!  The first and foremost thing is that His loving hand has reached into my life and saved me from an eternity in hell which is what I deserve.  I’m alive when I should be dead as a consequence of my sin.  I wake up with the power of the Holy Spirit living in me.  What more could one ask for!  I also literally made a list of reasons why my circumstances are terrific which included my marriage, my job, my church, my friends, etc.  There was only one thing on my want list compared to all these wonderful gifts that God has given to us.  God challenged my heart to be thankful and joyful always despite any circumstance.  The apostle Paul wrote that he learned how to be content in any situation (Phil. 4:12) and every day God asks me to do the same thing.  Having a baby is not going to make me more content when the root of my discontent comes from my sinful, selfish heart.  Once a baby comes, I will find something else to be discontent about (probably the 110 degrees in the summer!).  The change had to start in my heart and I believe that through this waiting time God has given me grace to be aware of all the things for which I can be thankful.

            

If you spend any amount of time on Facebook you know that Facebook is loaded with pictures of other people’s babies.  I have two friends here in Arizona who haven’t been able to have children either and the rest of my friends are all blooming fields of fertility.  My repeated question to God when I find out that someone else I know is pregnant is “Why not me, God?  Why was it so easy for them and not me?”  God has not answered me with his detailed plan for how He’s working everything out for my good. The second thing that He has recently been teaching me through a sermon series on the book of Esther is that He is providentially working out all the details of my life even down to the smallest biological process of a sperm meeting an egg so that a baby is conceived in my womb. He keeps asking me to trust His timing and His plans.  He also has asked me to remember that He is sovereign and in control.  (Isaiah 46:9-10).     

          

I’ve always believed in the sovereignty of God.  Even people who wouldn’t call themselves Christians say things like “Everything happens for a reason”.  But when I ask God a question like “Why was it so easy for them to get pregnant and not me?” I throw the sovereignty of God out the window.  Throughout the Old and New Testaments we see that God is sovereign over the womb.  Women who are way too old to have babies get pregnant (Sara, Elizabeth, etc.) and women of child-bearing age cry out to God for children (Rachel, Hannah).  My friends are not haphazardly getting pregnant because they know how to use biology to their advantage.  Each conception is pre-conceived in the mind of God and planned by Him at the perfect time. (Psalm 139:15).  Each month that I try and don’t conceive is planned and foreknown in the mind of God.  The wonderful truth is that although I'm at the mercy of a sovereign all-powerful being who can do whatever He wants whenever He wants, God is not only sovereign, He is also good. (Psalm 103).   

           

That second part is always the hardest part for me to remember.  God is not asking me to wait because He’s a tyrant or because He wants me to pray harder or because He’s holding out on me.  The reason for my wait is known and planned by a good and loving God.  Because I believe that He is sovereign over my womb, I can trust that His promise is true:  All things work together for good for those who love God and are called according to His purpose. (Romans 8:28).  All of this waiting is working itself out for my good. 

           

The problem with my heart is that I’m impatient and want things to work themselves out now.  I want to figure out what God wants me to learn so I can learn it and get what I want instead of focusing on trusting Him and waiting on Him.  As I’ve been sitting through sermons on Esther continually being reminded of the doctrine of God’s providence, God keeps bringing me back to that place of resting and having faith that His promises are true and that His hand is in control.  This past Sunday I was brought to tears as our pastor said, “God wants you to believe that He is providentially caring for your life in every detail.  He is working it all for your good.”  Over the past year, there have been many tears that certainly haven’t felt good.  Printing off yet another ovulation chart does not feel good but more and more I am able to trust and know that any month could be the month and whenever and however God chooses to grow our family, it will be for my good and His glory. 

“Wait for the LORD; be strong, and let your heart take courage; wait for the LORD!”  -Psalm 27:14